


This Part Of Me

by masterroadtripper



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Adult LGBT characters, Alternate Universe - College/University, Coming Out, Connor and Evan are engaged, Diners, Its a little bit in the future, Larry and Cynthia are divorced, M/M, POV Larry, Post-Divorce, mentions of past eating disorders, mentions of past suicide attempt, references to canon-typical material
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25561411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterroadtripper/pseuds/masterroadtripper
Summary: Larry and Cynthia got divorced five years ago, just after Zoe graduated from high school.Now, Connor and Evan are engaged and Zoe refuses to stay in contact with the rest of the Murphy family.Larry reaches out to Connor.  There is something he needs to tell his son.  There was more to his and Cynthia's divorce than either of his kids know.
Relationships: Cynthia Murphy/Larry Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen)/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know where this idea came from other than the old saying that some of the meanest homophobic people are likely gay themselves. Which got me thinking. This is the product of that thinking. 
> 
> Yes, I realize that this is a particularly strange and perhaps slightly out-of-character headcanon, but I really wanted to give it a try. Who knows? It might not be so bad. 
> 
> [This does not fall into the timeline or universe of any of my other DEH fanfics. It stands completely on its own]

It wasn’t unusual, Larry texting his son and asking him to join him at a diner for breakfast.

For the past five years that he and Cynthia had been legally separated, he’d been trying to find the time for his kids. There was a reason that he and Cynthia had made the decision to go their separate ways only after their younger child graduated. So they didn’t have to worry about the hassle of split custody.

Now that Connor had graduated from university and was engaged, living on the other side of the city from his apartment, Larry had to make an effort to actually keep in contact with his kids. And, well, Connor was the only one of his two kids that actually wanted anything to do with him. After he and Cynthia had officially parted ways - in the summer after Zoe graduated from high school - she’d gone off to university and refused to answer his phone calls or emails.

After almost losing Connor six years ago, he was just grateful that his son and his son’s fiance actually wanted anything to do with him. Connor, now employed as a language arts teacher at a public high school and Evan, a researcher at the university they’d both graduated from, found it hard to find time to get together with him. But when it lined up, Larry was grateful.

Because, in all honesty, he was bored and lonely. Sure, he still worked at the law firm he’d been with for almost thirty years now and he had work colleagues that he’d consider friends, but he didn’t think that they were really lasting attachments. Just people that he was forced into friendship with because they had to.

And Larry was getting older. Zoe was about to graduate university and Connor was engaged. That made him feel ridiculously old, even if he was only in his late fifties still. Arguably, he had years left. But who knew? Something could happen to him tomorrow on his drive into work and he’d never get the chance to tell Connor and Zoe the real reason he split up with Cynthia.

Why they made it work until Zoe moved out.

Why they stopped sleeping in the same room on the night of Zoe's ninth birthday party.

Zoe may not want anything to do with him anymore, and Larry supposed that that was fine. He could write up some professional and detached sounding email to her later. He knew she didn’t talk with Connor anymore either. Her opinion could wait. But his son, who was much more similar to him that might meet the eye, he deserved to know.

So, before he could chicken out like he’d been doing for years, Larry sent the text to Connor. Just minutes later, one returned, asking if Evan should come or not. Larry thought that maybe this was something that needed to start between the two of them, so he told Connor so. But not without adding that nothing was wrong onto the end, because he could feel his son’s panic radiating through the phone.

Once they said good night, Larry lay down in his bed which was still much too empty and stared at the roof for a long time, practicing and re-practicing what he was going to say to Connor.


	2. Chapter 2

Larry was sipping on his cup of coffee when Connor entered the diner they’d been going to together for years. On Sundays where Cynthia insisted that she wanted to go to the mall with Zoe, when he was desperately trying to reconnect with his son, they’d come here. Connor, who, at the time, refused to talk to him, refused to take off his grey hoodie and seemed unable to keep even the simplest meal in his stomach.

They’d come here for the first time on a whim after a morning at the batting cages and when the chef noticed Connor fighting to get through his plate of children’s pancakes, had offered to make Connor some flapjacks. From then on, Larry vowed to not only learn how to make flapjacks but take Connor back to Angel’s Cafe as much as he wanted. Because for the first time in months, Larry watched Connor make it through an entire meal without gagging, looking seriously ill or rushing off to the washroom.

It became a tradition, and now, six years later, Larry figured that this would be the best place to talk with his son. His son who was now walking towards the booth he was sitting in, but not without a wave at the chef in the back that Connor would have likely been able to see through the serving window. Larry briefly wondered if the chef was as proud of Connor as he was, that his body weight was not only healthy but stable and had been for almost four years. He was. He was so proud of him.

“Hey dad,” Connor said, sliding into the booth while shoving his short hair away from his eyes. Larry wondered if Connor was going to be getting it trimmed up again soon. He always thought that Connor looked better with short hair.

“Hey kiddo, how was the drive?” Larry asked, feeling the cold creep of anxiety against the edges of his chest and stomach. He wondered if this was how Connor and Evan felt every single day of high school. How awful they both must have felt all the time. Suddenly their actions in high school made a lot more sense to him.

“Once I got on the highway, smooth sailing,” Connor said before turning to the waitress and accepting the cup of coffee she offered him. Once he’d emptied a packet of sugar into his cup followed by some cream, Larry watched Connor take a big drink of it and remembered the days when he drank it black, grimacing and wincing the entire time.

They made small talk until they ordered their breakfast. The traditional breakfast for Larry and at the chef’s insistence that it really wasn’t a big deal, a plate of flapjacks for Connor. They talked about how the wedding planning was going and supposedly Connor had told Cynthia to stop trying to stick her nose in their business. He would marry Evan when they had the time.

“It's not like either of us can get pregnant mom,” Connor said in a goofy voice, “There's really no rush.”

Larry had laughed at that. Connor’s casual discussion of his sexuality. The fact that he was in love with his best friend from high school and wasn’t afraid to show it. Larry swallowed hard and realized that he had to take a page out of his son’s book and be unapologetically himself. It was about damn time.

“I wanted to talk to you about something Connor,” Larry said, putting his fork down on his plate and looking into his little boy’s eyes. One blue and one brown, staring back at him intently, like he was about to spill the secrets of the universe to him right there, over breakfast.

“You’re not dying, are you?” Connor asked, his eyes wide and suddenly looking very terrified.

Larry let himself laugh a little before reassuring him that, “No Connor, don’t worry, I’m not dying.”

“Oh,” Connor said as if he was realizing how quickly he’d jumped to that conclusion, “Okay.”

“Do you remember Zoe’s friend Adrianna?” Larry asked, watching his son’s incredibly expressive eyes to catch any small flashes of recognition.

“Kinda,” Connor said, “That was a really long time ago. I was what, eleven or something when she was at our house last?”

“You would have been ten. It would have been at Zoe’s ninth birthday party,” Larry began to explain.

“Oh yeah. The one that you and mom got into a yelling match at,” Connor said.

“Yes, that one,” Larry confirmed, “Not my proudest moment, admittedly. But do you remember her father Craig?”

“Not really,” Connor replied, his eyebrows knighting together into a concentrated frown.

Larry found himself silent then. As much as he’d rehearsed this inside his head last night, he didn’t realize how hard it would actually be to talk about when that time actually came. It was like someone had shoved one of his dirty gym socks in his mouth. The inability to make noise and yet the overwhelming desire to gag or throw up. He couldn’t say it. The words just wouldn’t come.

Instead, he pulled his wallet out of his pants pocket and opened it up to one of the picture folders he left in there. Behind the picture of Connor and Evan in their college graduation gowns, was an old black and white photo from back when Larry had coloured hair, no wrinkles, and not a care in the world. He was probably younger than Connor was now when this photo was taken. 1981. He would have been eighteen or nineteen. That was a long time ago.

He pulled it out of its little folder and passed it across the table to Connor. As Connor took it gently, he watched his son’s face as he looked over the picture. Sure, he’d put on some weight since his own college days and his hair was now completely grey, it was hard to deny that one of the two people in the picture was him.

The other person? Well. That was Zoe’s, friend’s, father.

Craig. Craig Jameson.

The first and last person Larry had ever fallen in love with.

Who Larry had had to leave behind when Cynthia had gotten pregnant with Connor.

Who he’d ignored for years until their children became friends.

“Is this Craig?” Connor said, looking up from the picture but not yet giving it back to him.

“Yeah,” Larry confirmed. “Were you…,” Connor said, “you know...like...a couple?”

“Yes,” Larry confirmed out loud for the second time in his life, “Yes we were. For close to five years. Then your mother got pregnant with you.”

“So you’re bisexual?” Connor asked like it was no big deal at all. Like that was something normal to ask. Larry wasn’t even entirely certain he knew what bisexual meant.

Larry realized he’d probably been mulling over that answer for much too long because Connor jumped in and said, “Do you like boys and girls? Like, both mom and Craig?”

“No,” Larry replied. He never really felt anything towards Cynthia. Objectively, he loved her because he knew he had to. Because she’d created two wonderful, tiny, humans that were one half of him. Because he’d married her. He’d fooled himself for ten years, then Craig showed up at Zoe’s party and Larry realized he hadn’t fooled shit.

“I know this might be difficult to grasp, but I never loved your mother. I loved you and Zoe. That was why we stayed together. Because it would be better for you to grow up with two loving parents and no split custody,” Larry explained and watched Connor’s face.

To Larry’s awkward surprise, Connor didn’t look upset, confused or mad. He just looked understanding. Like things were making sense.

“So...when you saw Craig at Zoe’s party, you told mom?” Connor asked.

“That night,” Larry confessed, “The couch in my study at home - or your mother’s home now - was convenient when I’d do work late before that party. Then, it was just my permanent home.”

“I’m sorry,” Connor said, handing the picture back.

“Why are you sorry bud?” Larry asked, slipping the picture back into his wallet.

“Because you didn’t get to live your life,” Connor argued, “You got stuck with me and you had to leave him behind.”

“Connor, stop that,” Larry said, reaching across the table and taking one of Connor’s hands, “I was blessed to have you and Zoe. You two mean more to me than anyone else on this planet. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, because I got to raise you.”

Connor said nothing in reply as he slowly pulled his hand back towards his body. Larry watched as Connor took a couple of bites of his breakfast before asking, “do you still talk with Craig?”

“Occasionally,” Larry replied with a self-deprecating laugh, “but he’s moved on. He’s married and has Adrianna with a wonderful wife. Guess he made his marriage last a little longer than mine.”

“I guess,” Connor replied, turning back to his food a little before adding, “Thanks for telling me though dad. And, you know, if you meet someone, I’d totally like to meet them.”

“Of course bud,” Larry said as Connor stood and rounded the table to slide into Larry’s side of the booth. As his son, much more substantial than Larry remembered, leaned into his arm, Larry suddenly felt like he needed to cry. Maybe he needed it. Maybe he deserved it.

It’d been a long time that he’d wanted to say something. Ever since Connor had told him and Cynthia that he knew he was gay and was going to marry a boy. He’d only been fourteen at the time and already had more guts than Larry.

Instead, he projected his own insecurities onto Connor. Dumped them onto him like bricks. It's taken years, but he thought that they’d worked through most of their issues. There was just one left and it was put out on the table.

Larry felt good.

He felt light.

Lighter than he had felt in years.

When he got home, Larry started working on an email to Zoe. Because she deserved to know too.


	3. Chapter 3

“Dad, I don’t think I can do this,” Connor said, looking from the mirror he was standing in front of to Larry’s eyes.

He could tell that his son was getting worked up. He was worried. Why, Larry had no idea. Sure it was his wedding day, but he’d known his almost-husband for years and had been engaged for just close to two on top of that. The love those two boys had for each other was so much more than Larry ever thought he could comprehend.

“Why not kiddo?” Larry asked. He knew better than to try to out-right contradict his son. Connor could argue with the best of them and when his brain told him something, he couldn’t just be lured out of it without concrete proof.

“I...I never-I never thought I’d make it this far,” Connor confessed, looking away from Larry’s eyes and down at his dress shoes, “I thought...in grade twelve...I thought that there was no way that I’d ever live to be twenty-six. How am I already twenty-six?”

“Come here bud,” Larry said, pulling his son closer to him and wrapping him up in his arms.

Holding his son’s frame close to his chest, he felt the familiar tug of pain inside, remembering looking down at him the second time he’d managed to get hospitalized. Kidney failure, drug overdose, coma. They’d been told by the nurse to prepare for the likelihood that he wouldn’t make it. That he and Cynthia would lose their only son before he even had the chance to become an adult. That he’d lose one of the only reasons that he and Cynthia were holding their failing marriage together.

“You made it,” Larry whispered into his son’s hair, gelled into its soft waves on the top of his head and pinned up with flowered bobby-pins, “And you’re marrying your best friend, who loves you with his whole heart. Evan loves you so much, Connor. You deserve to feel this happy for the rest of your life, okay? I promise you deserve this.”

Sniffling a little and pulling away slightly, Connor looked down at Larry again - who still couldn’t believe how tall his boy had ended up getting - he said, “thanks dad.”

“Are you ready to do this?” Larry asked, reaching out and straightening Connor’s purple bowtie from where it had ended up getting knocked crooked again.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Connor replied with a lopsided grin as he tugged at the bottom of his black suit jacket, “Let's do this.”

* * *

“So, Larry, are you going to introduce us to your friend?” the snide voice of Cynthia said from behind Larry.

Clenching his jaw while turning around, Larry faced his ex-wife with the most polite smile he could put on. He loved Connor and if that meant facing Cynthia and making polite conversation with her for all of five minutes, he’d put up with it. He’d do it for Connor.

Standing beside her was Zoe, looking entirely uninterested, even though it was her brother’s wedding. Which had, aside from Cynthia’s existence, had gone spectacularly. Both of the boys had looked so handsome and their vows were eloquently written - no doubt by his son, Larry noted with a fond smile - and it had just been all-around phenomenal.

Larry wondered if Cynthia was planning on making a stink to try to punish Connor in some fucked up way. For leaving her out of their wedding planning decisions and instead, turning to Evan’s mom and Larry’s...friend...for advice.

His...friend...who had been so open with Connor and Evan about not accepting the invitation to their wedding to ease tensions. But when the boys had looked at each other for all of two seconds and said that they’d love if he could come, Larry wondered if they knew exactly what they were walking into.

Steven. His name was Steven.

“Your boyfriend?” Connor had asked when Larry suggested that the two most important people in his life should meet finally.

“My partner,” Larry had answered. He wasn’t sure why, but the term boyfriend seemed too juvenile for the two of them, who had celebrated their sixtieth birthday just two days apart from each other.

“Partner it is,” Connor had agreed immediately before launching into a breakdown of his work schedule so they could start planning a time to meet. And yet, two years after he’d finally told Connor about the true nature behind his and Cynthia’s divorce, Larry was still blown away about his son’s ability to be nonchalant about this whole...thing.

Zoe hadn’t exactly handled it the best. After drafting and deleting the same email over and over again, he’d decided to just phone her. At the time, it had been five years since he’d divorced their mother and in that time, he’d heard from his daughter all of five times. Once a year. To wish him a bland and uninspired happy birthday. And usually at odd times of the day. Likely to prevent having to talk to him. To leave a message instead.

When he’d divorced Cynthia, he’d gotten wildly different reactions from his children. Connor had looked him in the eye and had said, “good job dad, fucking finally,” and Zoe had move to the other side of the continental United States without saying goodbye. Suddenly, it was seven years later and Connor was married and he was face-to-face with two ladies he’d never thought he’d see again.

“Cynthia and Zoe, meet Steven, Steven, meet Cynthia and Zoe,” Larry said, letting go of Steven’s hand so that they could shake hands if they wanted, before adding, “My ex-wife and daughter. Connor’s little sister.”

“Its lovely to meet you, I’ve heard only the best things,” Steven said, and Larry mentally commended him for managing to stay diplomatic. Larry supposed was definitely Steven’s strong suit and not his own. Steven was the public defender at the law firm for a reason.

“Sure,” Zoe said, crossing her arms and looking just bored over-all.

Larry didn’t want to stay mad at his daughter. Sure, it wasn’t like she was trying, perse, but he supposed, stepping into her shoes, that a divorce promptly following her graduation kind of overshadowed those celebrations.

Then, when Connor had professed his affinity for boys at fourteen, Zoe had never really been the greatest about that, throwing around the slurs when they got into fights as teens. So, when he’d informed Zoe of the true reasoning behind the divorce of her parents, which was already a sore spot, it’d just not sat well. Larry could understand.

Steven, Connor and Evan didn’t seem to like how Zoe and Cynthia had been reacting the past several years, but Larry could see the logic behind it. Sure, he’d heard stories of other divorced men managing to stay friends with their ex-wives after divorces and maybe he’d been hoping that that was what would manage to happen, but Larry realized pretty early on that that was just not going to happen.

“The wedding was lovely, don’t you think?” Steven asked, taking Larry’s hand again and running his thumb over Larry’s knuckles, succeeding in pulling him out of his own thoughts again.

“It was not bad, all things considered,” Cynthia replied in a tone just off of scathing that made Larry wonder how he’d managed to actually be married to her for nineteen years of his life. It was a minor miracle, really.

“The boys looked beautiful,” Steven remarked and Larry couldn’t help but mentally agree. Perhaps it was because he knew that they had chosen their outfits together or perhaps because he and Steven had both been there with Heidi when they’d chosen them. That and when they’d decided on the nature theme of pins for their hair - which Connor had started growing out a little for the occasion.

“Yeah,” Zoe agreed, cracking a small smile for the first time that night, “They looked...good, yeah.”

“Well, it was lovely to meet you,” Steven said, throwing his award-winning smile in their direction before gently tugging on Larry’s hand and leading them towards the men of the hour. Because really, Larry didn’t want to make a scene. Connor and Evan didn’t deserve that and Larry had started to realize over the past few years that he didn’t need to spend time around negativity. He did that enough at work.

Smiling at Steven and leaning in to press a kiss to the other man’s cheek, Larry felt warm and fuzzy inside. His son was married, he was in love for the second time in his life and he felt like he was finally at the exact right point in his life that he wanted to be. Things were alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for spending the time to read this! If you'd like some more installments in this series, please let me know and I'll gladly try to write some more!
> 
> For those of you wondering, yes I am still working on Don't Let Go, I'm just taking a little break from it as I figure out how the final half is going to work out - I haven't forgotten about it, I promise.


End file.
